I just read through some of my old entries and wowowowoowowow talk about amusing.

I have come to this conclusion as a 20 year old woman looking back at myself highschool self:

-I was content
-I was creative (every journal entry=title of a cool song. ballin!)
-I was talented
-I was wicked fucking goofy
-I had lots of friends who were like me
-I was kinda nerdy and awkward
-I am proud of the girl I used to be, and I want to make that girl proud by staying as true to myself as possible.


That's sort of why I logged back on to dA. To reclaim what is mine.

My art!

If anyone is reading this (I was always surprised that people did, even though I know Jesse was/maybe still is my biggest fan and checked my shit out) then you should know that I have really changed so much since I graduated high school. And not in a bad way, I just moved in a different direction.
I parted ways with my old best friend and made some new ones. I became more socialable and less critical of things that were different. I became more confident in my appearance and personality and entertained a mass of new people. I partied, hooked up, got down, went on adventures and experienced a fuckload of things. People changed my perception of the world, and I did the same to others. I fell for a boy who couldn't be less like me but adores me for exactly what I am, and we've been in each others' lives for over a year now.

But in these past 2 years of thoroughly exciting and challanging personal discovery, I completely let go of my artistic side. I lost my inner moodiness, my solitude and my angst. I let it go...and somehow my desire to create (my ABILITY to create) was flushed down the toilet.

From time to time I would click back to my PulpYou7h page and see the truly amazing stuff I used to produce. I am wowed by the highschool version of me...she was so potent and emotional and prolific. She had some serious shit to say, or at least illustrate vaguely with words and pictures. I admire that.

And then I realize....I might have become someone who is wrapped up in appearances and lacks artistic depth. I REALIZED that apart from my quirky outfits and glasses, my hairstyles and the decorations on my walls, that my college friends didn't know that I was/am an artist. I just look like a wannabe artist. I don't DO anything anymore. My poetry/drawings/photographs never saw the light of day...they were all tucked into webpages on deviantart.com, collecting internet dust.

I want to be who I was as well as who I am. I am proud of the girl I am now (I'm doing amazing shit in college and I'm very excited about my future) but it is the art within me that drives me, inspires me, pushes me, defines me. It is the art within me that makes me feel like I have some place in the world that's special.

So that's why I'm writing this, to give art another chance. Maybe soon I'll be the woman I've always dreamed of being.




_rachel